Embracing Imperfection: Finding Authenticity and Joy Beyond Perfectionism

Picture this: You're 51 years old, and instead of slowing down, you become a professional jazz artist, embracing the imperfections that once held you back. Or you left a career in academia, became a chaplain, then an emotional intelligence coach and energy healer. Those are the stories of Elvira V. Hopper and Jami Carlacio, respectively. In this episode, Elvira shares how she transformed her life by letting go of perfectionism. Leaving behind two successful but unfulfilling careers, she embraced her inner jazz artist to become a beacon of authenticity and inspiration. Together, Elvira and I uncover how trauma and our pursuit of perfection can stifle our potential, and how releasing these pressures can lead us to our true purpose.

Elvira and I delve into the power of vulnerability and authenticity, sharing candid personal stories that illuminate the path from perceived inadequacies to genuine connection and growth. We recount transformative experiences, including a life-altering retreat in Tuscany that taught Elvira the value of being open and real and learning to embrace a major mistake and see its value, which reverberated beyond the Italian countryside. Through our conversation, we illustrate how adversity can be a powerful catalyst for personal development, allowing us to better support and uplift those around us.

As we wrap up, we celebrate the joy and wisdom that come from embracing our flaws. Our conversation radiates with positivity and emotional intelligence. We encourage you to silence negative self-talk and embrace your journey with love and gratitude. This heartfelt episode is a reminder to live authentically and joyfully. Be sure to check the show notes for our contact information and stay connected as we continue to be inspired on this beautiful journey.

Show Notes

Elvira V. Hopper

www.elvirahopper.com/linktree

Podcast Cover:

Paige Bradley, Expansion Rising.

https://paigebradley.com/sculpture/metamorphosis/expansion-rising-maq/expansion-rising-maq/

Chapters

• 0:00 Perfectionism, Trauma, and Authenticity
• 13:54 Embracing Imperfection and Growth
• 21:23 Embracing Imperfections and Authenticity
• 28:46 Embracing Imperfections With Joy and Wisdom

Transcript

Elvira: 0:00

Like it's a given right. So values are really, really important. So I just made this quick little video. I thought it was real. It wasn't perfect. You know, I stumbled over my words. That's just the way I am, because I want to be real, not perfect. That's what allowed me to become a professional jazz artist at 51, believe it or not is when I let go of perfection and realized that this is my thing to do and I have to do it and I don't have to be perfect. I get to be real, right. So that was one of the things that really took me and my life to the next level.

Elvira: 0:37

Jami:

Elvira: 1:33

Hello and welcome everybody to the podcast Emotional Intelligence. I am so happy to see you today and I'm really excited because we are going to talk about perfectionism and how we are perfectly imperfect human beings, and I'm very delighted that my guest today is Elvira Hopper, and she is excited to talk about this too. And the thing about Elvira that's really exciting to me is that we are soul sisters. We met recently and when we met, we discovered that we had so many things in common that it made complete sense to have her on this podcast, and I'm going to be on hers as well in another couple of weeks, so I'm really excited.

Elvira: 2:13

So let me just give you a few nuggets of beauty about Elvira. She is a miracle mindset coach and blessed to be living her most authentic life as an inspirational artist and speaker, a far cry from two glamorous and lucrative, yet soul-sucking, imposter careers I love it spanning 27 years as a healthcare professional and an award-winning pharmaceutical sales professional, through a blessed corporate breakdown where she almost ended it all. I identify with that very much. She is on her way to create the life of their dreams and connect to their purpose. Elvira believes that we thrive in every area of our life as a result of our personal shift to authentically living our dreams and connecting to our purpose and the Love.

Elvira: 3:15

Your Vibe Miracle Mindset that was divinely gifted to her to serve to save her life has become a movement that is serving countless beautiful souls like yours and mine, as her purpose is to be the messenger of this heart and soul work on the planet. If a former crap magnet like her could become a miracle magnet, anyone can, and so thank you and welcome my darling. How are you today?

Jami: 3:50

Oh, thank you so much for inviting me. I'm doing amazing, jamie. It's so beautiful to be in your vibe. It really, really is, and I'm grateful that you invited me on, and I can't wait for this conversation today.

Elvira: 3:57

Yeah, I'm excited too. You know, I had the luxury of meditating for about an hour and a half today. I went to the beach this morning and I said I need to go get with my spirit guides and ask for the direction, and I have been told by the universe to let go of things that I've been holding on to, and one of the things that I hold on to is kind of this negative idea about myself. You know, I'm a positive intelligence coach, and one of the things that my judge does is it likes to beat me up, and one of my key saboteurs is a stickler, and the stickler is another word for perfectionist, and so I tend to get down on myself when I'm not some version of whatever perfect even means. And so it's a great time. I think the universe always says Jamie, I think you need to learn this lesson, and this is a great time to talk about how perfectionism can really derail us, and for me, it's not even a freaking word that should be in the dictionary.

Jami: 5:07

Wow, yes, I am. So I am so on the same page. I absolutely agree with you, jamie. Ignore the, the phone in the back. Yeah, this is, this is crucial stuff, you know, especially for people like us.

Jami: 5:22

Jamie, I mean, I'm not sure, I think I remember a little bit about your upbringing, but my upbringing was very traumatic and there was a lot of abuse of every kind, you know, physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, like.

Jami: 5:36

I went through it all and what I realized, you know now, looking back, is that that perfectionism, that control freak ism, you know that I see it was a, it was a trauma response, you know, if, you know, people go through trauma in order not to be, in order to, you know, deem themselves safe. They believe they have to be perfect so that they won't get further traumatized, right? So that's why, if I could be the perfect little good Italian Catholic girl, then nobody's going to abuse me, right? It's so sad, but that's where it comes from. But then, when we get really clear on, oh my God, you know, yeah, of course you can give yourself love for having been that way, because that was just your inner child trying to survive. And today we don't have to be perfect, we don't have to be control freaks. We get to be real, we get to be ourselves, because that's what the inner work is all about, right.

Elvira: 6:34

Absolutely, and I have had similar experiences with various forms of trauma complex PTSD forms of trauma complex PTSD.

Elvira: 6:43

And I also found when I did the trauma work with my therapist that those were survival strategies. Like you were saying, if you can get the good grades, if you can be good, if you can keep your head down and stay out of the way of the tornado or the tsunami or whatever it was that was coming at you on any given day, then maybe you would survive. And I went through five decades of my life like that.

Jami: 7:11

Same same. Oh, I feel you, sister, I'm getting chills, chills of confirmation, yeah, and and how beautiful is it that now we get to look back and and give ourselves compassion, and give others compassion if they're still there, you know, if they're stuck in perfectionism, like I have so much compassion, like can I tell you a funny story that just happened a couple of days ago? Yeah, regarding perfectionism. Okay, so I recorded a whole bunch of new videos that I'm that I'm going to be releasing one every week with one of my clients who happens to be an amazing videographer, and we just shot them, like right here in my backyard, and they're beautiful videos, like. I got them back and I'm like blown away by the quality of these things.

Jami: 7:56

Anyway, so I put up the first one and it was about values and basically what I talked about. They're all snippets. They're about like 30 minutes, 30 seconds to a minute each, right. They're just, like you know, short, little snippets, little nuggets of wisdom, right, because Jay Shetty inspired me and he said we need to make wisdom go viral. Like let's put out content that is wise, that can, that can go viral, and he's amazing, bringing out his wisdom bombs on. I follow him on Instagram and and on on LinkedIn as well, and anyway, oh, and I listened to his podcast, so, anyways, I so I put out my first one. I was so excited.

Jami: 8:33

It was about values and essentially what I said was we've got to, you know, check with, you know, the people that are in our lives, whether they be, you know, our partners, our, our, you know, companies, co workers. Well, we can't do too much about co workers, but we can, you know, we can work with that, this idea that when we're not in alignment with our values, we're especially, you know, our romantic partners, right, and our friends. When we're not in alignment with with similar values, we're going to bug the snot out of each other Like it's a given right. So values are really, really important. So I just made this quick little video. I thought it was, it was real. It wasn't perfect. You know I stumbled over my words. That's just the way I am, because I want to be real, not perfect. That's what allowed me to become a professional jazz artist at 51, real, not perfect. That's what allowed me to become a professional jazz artist at 51, believe it or not is when I let go of perfection and realized that this is my thing to do and I have to do it and I don't have to be perfect, I get to be real, right. So that was one of the things that really took me and my life to the next level, but anyway.

Jami: 9:39

So I put this video out and on Instagram and the title on it was are your values aligned, or something like that. But instead of writing are your values with an S, I put are you, are your valued align? So there was a mistake, right, and I didn't notice it till like maybe a few hours later and I saw it again. I'm like, oh shoot, I made a mistake. The old me would have gone into a total shame storm about oh my God, my first video. This is my new series and there's a mistake. I would have freaked out about it. Instead I just chuckled to myself and I said, oh, isn't that interesting. And I just let it go. Because if you go to my website, alverahoppercom, backslash, unleash there.

Jami: 10:26

That is my six month program, a little plug for that, which is my one-on-one six month, and there's a video on there that was recorded and it wasn't good, good sound. And my videographer said, alvera, we can redo it because the sound's not good. I said nope, you're going to leave it exactly as it is. Because my people have have struggles with with perfectionism and control and need to be perfect, because that's their trauma and I want them to witness me putting out content that is not perfect, but it's real, it's from the heart, and I did such a good job on it because I just channeled it. All right, like I channel, I don't speak, and it was a beautiful message and just because there was a hiss in the back, I wasn't going to redo it. I was really happy with it.

Jami: 11:07

So what I did is I put it out there and one of the women that was hiring me for the speaking gig said oh Vera, what's wrong with your video? It's all wrong. I said click on it and read about it. So what I did is I got my web designer to put a little you know explanation that you know when they click on the video. Well, basically, it said click here to learn more about this video. So if anybody was curious, they could click on it.

Jami: 11:31

And what I said was exactly this that you know what, if you struggle with imperfection, being around a coach that's dealt with it and was able to kick it to the curb can help you do it too, or something like that. I forget what I said, so I think that's really really important. And so this gentleman comments on it. He goes proofread much, so the old me would have gone into a shame storm about that, like, oh my God, somebody noticed it and they're they're calling me on it. And how I responded with him was exactly I said I saw this later and I could have taken the whole thing down, but I decided to keep it up because my people struggle with perfection and I want them to know that they can be real and not perfect Like you, my perfect brother and I kind of got a bit sarcastic there, right, because it's like you know what I put out some good content.

Jami: 12:26

There was one little typo. It's still good, it's good enough and we don't have to be perfect. So that is the key takeaway. And a whole bunch of my clients commented on it it's still good, it's good enough and we don't have to be perfect. So that is the key takeaway. And a whole bunch of my clients commented on it. It's on my Instagram, it's really funny if you want to read it, but a whole bunch of comments. My clients commented like hey, elvira, this is great. I'm so glad you're real, not perfect, like, because it gives everybody the permission to exhale and they don't have to be perfect either.

Elvira: 12:51

Yeah, yeah, very good story. That reminds me of one of the ways that I was raised was in a Catholic background and I had to go to confession every week.

Elvira: 13:07

So yeah, I was reminded that I had sinned and that I had to atone and I had to go tell some guy in a booth. And so I was reminded and there was part of me that said God loves me anyway, and so right, and so I didn't like going to confession every week and some weeks it was like I'm not sure what I did, but I'll make something up. Okay, I think I lied. So what I would do is I'll make something up. Okay, I think I lied. So what I would do is I would go to communion and in the Catholic Church, if you didn't go to confession and you went to communion, you were right back in the confessional saying I went to communion without going to confession, and so I got in trouble. I got in a lot of trouble from my family and so I got in trouble. I got in a lot of trouble from my family.

Jami: 13:53

And.

Elvira: 13:54

I grew up thinking that I was kind of a blight on the earth. I thought I was a walking character defect.

Jami: 14:03

Wow, I feel that.

Elvira: 14:08

Yeah, and I hear other people saying that and I want to say does that serve you or your highest good, and does that serve other people?

Jami: 14:14

Yeah.

Elvira: 14:15

And I think the answer is no to both those questions. Yeah, yeah. And I'm glad that you're real. You know, I am in a 12-step program because part of my perfectionism drove me to drink and I drank to die and I, of course my higher power said you're not going to die yet, You've got a message. But one of the things that we do is we show up as our real selves, our real imperfect selves, and that's what people love.

Jami: 14:46

Exactly, exactly. When I tell my biggest shit show stories, that's when I get the most people inspired, either wanting to work with me or just being inspired and saying, oh my God, I can't believe that you shared that. So I feel so much lighter hearing what you've gone through Like. One of my worst stories was I call it shit show in Tuscany. So I hope it's OK that that I'm swearing here because I'm real not perfect, right, that I'm swearing here because I'm real not perfect, right. But Shitshow in Tuscany is a story that I'm actually writing, a book called Three Shitshows. I Started and the Wisdom Bombs Gleaned for you. So basically, that's how we, you know, first of all, that's how we learn, that's how we inspire others too, because they don't feel alone in their perfection or any dark thing that they're in. They're like, oh my God, she went through it too and she, she seemed like she had it all together and and so this is what happened.

Jami: 15:41

I went to Tuscany, italy, and I brought six other six women with me, so there were seven of us in total. This beautiful little town in Tuscany, italy, and a little, a little hillside, um, a little hilltop town. And uh, anyway, three days into my retreat, I triggered a woman with PTSD and, oh my God, like it was the worst, freaking thing that could have ever happened. Um, I, I basically got PTSD as a result of it. I needed treatment when I got back. But I had to go through that situation for a reason. First of all is to the women that came to support this woman that was triggered. I wasn't able to support her because I didn't have the right tools, but these women did so. I learned a lot about leadership. I learned that leadership can sometimes be about stepping back and letting others step forward and taking the limelight.

Jami: 16:35

Even though it was my first retreat, it was so embarrassing. I was the furthest thing from perfect. I was shamed for being so bad. One of the women that stepped forward the next day she looked at me by the pool. She goes I thought you were better than that. And I just looked at her and I just said hey, you know what? Maybe this happened for you to realize how great you are because you were able to step forward and support this woman. And I know you're going back and you're going to be doing your own event, and maybe this is showing you that you're better than me and you've got this and she goes yeah, you're right. And she walked away and I was like you know, I had I'm the leaders eat last right. So I was there for her, even though it was so humiliating to have to go through that. And you know the woman that was triggered, she couldn't even look at me in the eyes. Basically I was persona non grata for the rest of it but.

Jami: 17:27

But there was a few other lessons I learned as well. But but at end, what, what I realized is I had to go through it because a client needed to hear that story. When I got back, I hadn't had an elite client, like a one on one client for like about a year, okay. But as soon as I got back, my vibration because of this, you know, you know drop and then not just going back to where I was, but going up like double right. So I would hear, not to hear.

Jami: 17:56

But from here to here, because of that, I got two incredible elite clients right away, my divine clients. That because I I survived it. Not only did I survive, I thrived, I learned a whole bunch of things that I was meant to learn. And um, and then, uh, one of the two women that hired me about a month into our coaching Jamie, uh, she was feeling really, really down on herself and I remember just stopping her and saying you know what? I am getting a feeling that you need to hear this story right now. And I told her the shit show in Tuscany story.

Jami: 18:30

All of a sudden, because I do my coaching over the phone, all of a sudden I hear a sigh oh, alvira, thank you so much for sharing that story with me. You made me realize that what I'm going through right now is nothing compared to what you went through. You survived that a month ago and I'm going to survive what I'm going through. And I was like you know what, sister, if I went through that shit show just to serve you today by telling you that story, I'm glad I went through it and I'm so glad that you were served by me, because that's what I believe we do as coaches we go through situations, we collect stories. I like to say my life is a lab. I literally try out all the experiments. Some are great, some are, you know, so called failures, but there's no such thing as failure In my world. You win or you learn right. There's no such thing as failure, and that's what I do. I go through my life and there's hit and miss, but I get to tell these incredible stories afterwards. Isn't that cool.

Elvira: 19:32

It is very cool and what you said. There were a couple of things I want to pull out of that. One is that when we're in our kind of perfectionist doom, we vibrate at a lower level and that tends to push people away or they say, oh gosh, I don't know if I want to be around that. But when we vibrate at a higher level and we live into our authentic self, our true self, and, as I say, that we are created in love, for love and by love, and so we cannot not be love, and I believe that we're all endowed with this kind of inner divinity.

Elvira: 20:08

But the other thing is that I think and I use the word God in my lexicon, but I also know that I'm guided by higher spiritual beings, and that is that God uses my defects or my mistakes in good ways.

Elvira: 20:25

So, whatever mistakes I made, they may have ruined a moment or have harmed a person or hurt somebody's feelings, but they also were used maybe to help that person grow, and definitely to help me grow, and I had a therapist who made me walk down the street saying it's okay if I make a mistake today, and I had to say it out loud.

Jami: 20:52

Wow, and that's powerful it was it was.

Elvira: 20:55

I heard myself say it and as I heard myself say it, I started to believe it.

Jami: 21:00

Yeah, wow, that's amazing. That was a cool therapist to have you do that. That's cool. Wow, that's amazing. That was a cool therapist to have you do that. That's cool Wow.

Elvira: 21:09

Yeah, and he had his own set of character flaws that enabled me to grow, and so he wasn't necessarily the perfect therapist for me, but he was the right therapist at the right time.

Jami: 21:21

Yeah, you know, and I do believe.

Elvira: 21:23

I believe in divine timing and like we met each other on Facebook, actually didn't?

Jami: 21:40

we On Find a Podcast guest? That's the name of my first jazz band, by the way, that I that I was able to um, getting out of you know perfectionism and not being good enough to be on a professional jazz stage. I was able to deal with that and did it anyway. And um, my first, my first jazz band was called Heart and Soul. Um, so, yeah, it's about you know, doing what's in your heart, soul to do, aligned, authentic, fully self-expressed.

Jami: 22:06

My daddy sadly died with his real music still in him when he um because he was told as a, as a boy, that good men are not on stages singing. And his sister was an opera singer on italian opera stages but she was told good women are not on stages. So when she got married she was told hang up your opera gown, put on an apron, because you can't step foot on another opera stage ever again. And both my dad and my aunt died with their real music still in them and they died with these horrible diseases. My dad, two types of cancer, mental health, struggles on meds and a marriage in shambles. He paid the ultimate price for living out of alignment. He paid the ultimate price for feeling not good enough to be on a professional stage and I did the opposite of that. He showed me what not to do. So I was able to do it real not perfect get on the stage. And now I'm an award-winning jazz artist. I've even performed for Oprah Winfrey's man, stedman Graham If you Google his name and mine, you'll see me singing to him and he thinks I'm fabulous.

Jami: 23:07

But the thing that I believe makes me different from other musicians is, for example, the mayor of our city had a 60th birthday party right before COVID hit and she invited my second jazz duo to perform at it. And why did she choose us over every other Mississauga musician? Because this was our. This was a brand new band. It would have been our first. It was our first gig. Why did she choose us? Cause we put a little humble video out on Instagram and she saw it and she commented on it. She said what an incredible duo best wishes. And I said to my partner, mark Mark, has she ever commented on your stuff before? And he goes no, and he goes has she ever commented on your stuff? I said no, but it was the combination of us together which was a very high vibration, jamie. I believe that it was real, far from perfect, it was just done on my phone. My husband taped us right right back here, actually in my, in my family room, and you know, at the end of it, you know he taped it and I said, can I put this up on Instagram? And he goes sure, even though it wasn't perfect, the sound wasn't that great, but she picked up the authenticity in that and this is why I believe she invited us to perform two weeks later at her private 60th birthday party for her friends and family. And we were chosen over every other musician in our city and she knew, like all of them, practically.

Jami: 24:30

So what's the difference between me and my partner versus most musicians? Alignment, doing it from a humble space of service, real, not perfect, and that is what attracts you. You know it attract. It's almost like bees to a flower, because you are just being yourself, being yourself and you attract the right beings to you. Oh, my goodness, I love what's coming through. Um, yeah, so that that is how I get to do it.

Jami: 24:56

I don't. I don't even rehearse. To be honest, I don't. I don't practice, cause I honestly don't care what I sound like. I know I'm going to sound exactly as spirit source. God, whatever you believe in, wants me to sound like. In fact, if I sound like crap one night at jazz bistro, which is a world-class jazz venue where I, my first band, created our um. We recorded our first album there, live. Um, if I sound like crap one night, guess what? Someone is meant to hear me in the audience and go. Oh, she only started doing this professionally at 51. She's not even that good. I'm going to go do my thing too.

Jami: 25:31

If that's all I do, I've done my job, because my singing is not about me. Look at me, I'm the singer. I'm all that in a bag of chips. My singing is about me getting to be fully me. It was a gift my father gave me, my aunt had it and I'm doing it too.

Jami: 25:47

I didn't go to school for many, many years. I did a few singing lessons over the years just to get comfortable being on a stage, but I'm far from perfect and I don't want to be perfect. It's a lot of stress to be perfect, so that's how I became professional. But the coolest thing is if you see that behind me. I don't know if you can see that, but there's there. Okay, hang on, I'm. I'm struggling with this. So you see that bowl, that, that bowl that's beneath the tree, that's one of my seven sacred chakra bowls.

Jami: 26:19

So I was meant to become a jazz singer, not just to be a jazz singer. Look at me, I'm all that. I was born to be a sound healer. So I help people heal with my voice and my goals, and to me that is really exciting. And I have a beautiful membership about to be launched, called TML the musician's legacy, to help heart centered musicians heal the world with their music, because their music isn't about them. I want to see musicians stop being crap magnet musicians and start being miracle magnet musicians. So that's what I'm up to right now.

Elvira: 26:52

Yeah, yeah, okay. So we're pretty much winding down on time. I don't have my glasses on, but I think we're getting close to one o'clock Eastern. But I just wanted to add Eastern. But I just wanted to add like you, I reinvented myself and I took a big chance. I left the profession I was in I was a professor and I went to Divinity School and at Divinity School I thought, oh, this will be easy, it's just another master's degree and I already have a PhD. It was freaking hard and I didn't get all A's. And I was in Berkeley Divinity School, which is the Episcopal Divinity School at Yale, and I thought I was going to become a priest. And the Episcopal Diocese of Connecticut said no, you're not. And so I'm like God, why did you bring me here? I've got student debt. I'm not a priest, I'm not a board certified chaplain.

Elvira: 27:50

And God said you don't need a collar to do what I have given you to do Go help women, and yeah, and the other thing is I started taking dance lessons and I was waiting for a partner and a partner has not materialized. So I just showed up by myself with my two left feet and I started taking lessons and I recorded my first video with my partner, my instructor and I. It was great, I saw it, it's so good. Yeah, and it's not perfect and I'm like it's OK, it was my first time and I'm just learning, yeah, yeah.

Elvira: 28:23

So I'm, I'm, I like you. It's like I had to put it out there because that's me, that's Jamie, feeling full of joy and not being perfect.

Jami: 28:34

Yes, joyful Jamie is what we need on the planet, just like we need joyful Elvira. We need joyful you. Listening to this right now, watching this, yeah, absolutely.

Elvira: 28:44

Yes, absolutely. And speaking of imperfection, I haven't figured out how to share my sound, so there's a song by Celine Dion about imperfection and I'm going to edit this video later and it will be on the video. So, elvira, thank you so much for being with us and sharing your wisdom and your imperfections with us, and your joy and your vibration.

Jami: 29:12

Thank you so much for inviting me, Jamie. I send so much love to you and everyone witnessing this conversation. Thank you.

Elvira: 29:20

Thank you, you're the best, and Elvira's information will be in the show notes as well as mine and, as always, when you're ready to stop that negative chatter in your head and you want to work on some positive and emotional intelligence, my information is also in the show notes. Until next time, I'll see you at the PQ Gym. Bye, bye.